You told them you were training tonight. They say don’t worry about working out today, just come on out. An hour later you’re drinking and eating food you’d never choose. Nothing dramatic happened. Their frame cracked yours.
Every man walks around with a frame: the picture of reality he wants, or believes to be true. Think of how the news frames a story, one perspective that may or may not be true, or a man who gets framed for a crime. Either way, someone decides what is reality, and others comply. For a man, frame has structure: your standards, your interests, your habits and your assertiveness. Holding frame is the defense of that structure. Building it is step one. Defending it, in every interaction you have, is step two.
Frame first
The defining quality of a dominant frame is that it comes first. The man serves his frame, defends it no matter what, and is willing to bear the consequences. Some people he clashes with will want nothing more to do with him, and he accepts that.
The man with a non-dominant frame puts it second. He has a standard, his wife has a different one, and he backs down before anything happens because he’s afraid her response will be more than he can handle. He loses most frame conflicts and ends up living under someone else’s frame. Guilt and shame work on him: you’re a bully, you’re selfish, after everything I’ve done for you. A man with a well-defined frame doesn’t cower. You have to be willing to lose, to be rejected and to fail.
Standards
Most men have an idea of their standards until they assert them and find out they were bluffing. A standard is only a claim until it meets someone else’s and survives. Decide what you truly believe in and defend it. If you have none yet, adopt the standards of strong frames you admire. Frame done right isn’t all defending and fighting: it’s submitting to frames with better results than yours, never to whoever is loudest, most emotional or quickest to punish you.
Some standards a superior frame might hold, a few of them normal for a man fifty years ago and almost unheard of now: a study the kids stay out of, and no housework. Kids who play outside with their friends instead of being driven from one activity to the next. A husband and wife who both stay fit as they age. Owning something that pays you while you sleep instead of selling your hours to a boss. Being first to try new tech. Seeing your friends whenever you want, without asking permission. Whatever you choose, test it in real time and find out whether it’s real.
Interests
A man with a big frame is an interesting man, and his interests push his mission forward: being fit, owning his time, staying on the cutting edge of technology, the ideas that have lasted thousands of years, and human nature. When people adopt your frame, they adopt your interests too. If you’re doing what everyone else is doing, you’ve never had a frame of your own.
Habits
Habits that take a lot of willpower don’t last, and nobody adopts a habit you can’t keep yourself. The habits that hold are the ones you’ve proven to yourself, so saying no to the night out is easy. While you build them, surround yourself with frames that already live the habits you want. A life without assertiveness, among frames that don’t match yours, is a prison.
Assertiveness
People believe a claim in proportion to how hard it’s asserted. It takes energy to ask about someone’s life, to hold your ground with your wife and in business, and it builds like strength in the gym: light weights first, heavier as you practise.
With other men
Alone, a man’s frame can only be so strong. In a group, it gains the strength of every frame around it and takes the best from the ones above it. Hunting together made man the apex predator, and aligned founders dominate markets the same way. Surround your frame with the right men and it can outlive you. Next time you’re in a conflict at home, at work or with friends, you’ll know what’s being tested, and whether you actually have a frame.